I’m an alcoholic.

I admit it.

But I want to stop.

They said it takes 21 days to break a habit, and I really want to try doing this for my own good. I know that I’m on the verge of killing my liver.

It’s now Day 10, and I am struggling. I admit it. But I can do it.

I apologize for not being to blog as often as I want to.

But in a flash, April was full of mixed feelings. For starters, the good things include being able to go home to Bicol and be with some of my friends, which includes Kaka who came home from Australia. Another thing would be hosting my blockmate Trisha’s debut because I was able to bond with my block mates of whom I’ve never hung out with in almost a year. Since I’m still talking about parties, again just the other day, I was able to celebrate with my dorm friends the birthdays of four/five of us. Again, since my schedule is usually jam-packed, I can only make time for my friends once in a blue moon. Generally, I was able to catch up with a lot of my friends, and I will explain later why.

Another highlight, I suppose was graduation. I felt happy seeing a lot of my friends graduate, either on time or not, because I could sense their joy that they’re done with a big part of their life. It gave me inspiration to graduate on time, because it is one of my personal challenges. I know that I may not get latin honors anymore (side note: I got my best set of grades last sem, College Scholar baby!) but I guess graduating on time would be the best aim for me right now.

Now for the not so happy part of April, which I believe would ruin the whole thing.

First, this month saw the passing away of Tito Billy, an uncle I’ve loved so dearly. It was all so sudden, and I regret not being able to go home at all for his wake. I just got back to Manila, and the next day, I got a call that he was gone. I just couldn’t go home anymore due to financial and schedule reasons.

Second, I’ve been spending time with different people because I’ve gone into some rift with someone/a group. As for the reason? I kinda sensed that there was something wrong with they way they’d interact with me, so I decided to distance myself, hoping the flame would just die down. But that doesn’t seem to work that way. The sad thing is I don’t know why there was a problem in the first place. All I knew was that there was a problem.

How this story will continue/end? I’m not sure. I’m just kinda glad April is over. When I have the time (Meaning: Never gonna happen, loljk), I will upload pictures to make this blog seem more friendly than text heavy.

For now, adios.

-Rod

I know we’re not talking but I want you to know, I’m glad you’re okay. (Mosby, 2012)

.. and I am starting to enjoy it. I’m going to Bicol tomorrow, and more stories there!

No. I’m not talking about Collegiate Basketball. I’m in the Philippines and March means the end of another semester. And things have been going crazy with requirements here, and requirements there. So this post is dedicated to the last days of the 2nd sem and to all the requirements still to be done.

I will list them down per subject.

Acctg 1:

[ ]Finals (optional)

PA 108

[ ]Finals (March 27)

Socio 11

[ ] Commanding Heights Paper

[ ]Finals (March 23)

PE 2

[ ]Journal

[ ]Indakan

Soc Sci 2

[ ]Dialogue Paper (optional)

Fil 25

[ ]Workshop

[ ]Revisions (10-25 pgs each)

SEA 30

[ ]Food Paper

[ ]Take home Finals (Due March 19)

Yeah. It is not light at all.

Serious post soon.

There have been so many opportunities for me to blog this month. So much has happened, and there are still so many things to accomplish by the end of the month. But I never was able to blog about it, due to the busy schedule.

Let me fill you in with some realizations in life.

Number 1, Valentine’s Day is about love, not lovers. I found myself enjoying Valentine’s Day because of the people I love. Who said platonic love cannot be celebrated? I was also able to make people happy by giving things as a friend. I realized, why do we need to prepare so much for that day, when you can give love everyday? Cheesy, I know. But yeah, that’s the way it is.

Number 2, Set your priorities straight. I was able to accomplish a lot of my academics, because I learned how to manage time more, and how to prioritize things. Yes, I had to sacrifice several opportunities to meet more people, be with friends, improve skills, but at the end of the day, it’s a win on my end, because I was able to do the things that I needed to do the most.

Number 3, Never give too much of yourself. Okay, I admit, I am a little bit clingy, and I get hurt easily if I feel that people are pulling away from me. I still have a lot to do to improve. But on my end, I admit, I really have few people (in college) to whom I can open up to really well, and once I feel that things change, it’s sad. The best thing I can do is to assume that those people are going through stuff of their own, and these may be too deep that they cannot share. But I hope they realize that I can listen to them. But then again, that’s just me.

Fourth, Rekindle friendships. It’s nice to meet up with people you haven’t bonded with in a long time. It’s a reaffirmation of your friendship, you get to have fun, and you learn new stuff.

and number 5, Don’t be afraid. Show your talents, and hone them. They will be useful someday.

There are four more days in February, and definitely, they won’t be empty days. I’m thankful for this month, nonetheless, and I promise that I will update more.

Love,

Rod.

Since January is coming to an end, and I haven’t updated much, here, let me make it up.

I saw January as a month of change.

People around me acted differently, I acted differently around people as well. And I felt that’s the reason I feel distant from some people as of late. I don’t get to talk to the same people I used to as compared to those of last year. Do I miss them? Yes. I’m still getting used to it. While I want to believe nothing is wrong, sometimes, I have a feeling there is something different.

I also found out about new things from people. This is probably what happens when I open up to them or when they open up to me. Results may not always be peaceful, for I already had some spats this month. But I worked it out.. so far.

And this month, I tried to make myself more organized. I remind myself more of what I need to do, and I try to do it as soon as possible. I am not getting any younger, and I really need to prepare myself for more intense subjects. It’s a process and a slow one at that matter, but I need to get shit straight.

Picking up from my Soc Sci class on Marx. We mentioned something about Dialectics, and the main points about Dialectics are that first, change is inevitable. and second, the forces of change come from within.

So if I have changed, it’s not because of others. It’s all because of me. :)

Sometimes it gets to you.

I’ve been trying to organize my life, and I realized I’ve turned into a machine. I felt that people were going away from my life when it sank into me. Maybe I’ve been too caught up in fixing my life that I just went crazy. I thought you we’re cold. I just went crazy.

I just went crazy.

I just went crazy.

I just went crazy.

This is kinda obligatory.

1. Get a decent lovelife. Yeah, I wouldn’t put this on the top of the list if it wasn’t for a thing we call peer pressure. But sure, I wanna fall in love this year. For me, 2012 is all about optimism. So I’d wanna meet someone who’d make my 2012 worthwhile! :)

2. Improve on grades. Yeah, I’m not aiming for laude standing or anything, but I don’t wanna be like on the border of failing and passing. I want smooth sailing, mostly. But then again, to make it smooth, I’d need a lot of effort.

3. Go back to my music. If there was one thing I would regret, is not giving enough attention to music. I found out that music is great expression. I’d want to improve on my singing and guitar playing skills. I just realized how beautiful music is again just this month.

4. Tone down a bit. I was too eccentric this year. I should lessen the alcohol, swearing, being green, bitching out on people, meddling and all those stuff. It’s time I matured a bit.

5. Take more responsibility. I am growing up already. Enough said.

6. Start taking an interest in books, or reading in general. I’ll be needing it, now that I’m in a course which has extensive research and tons of readings and papers.

7. Push myself all the time.  I need to stop being lazy and start challenging myself. Sure, 2011 was a bum year, and I’ve been complaining about how my life plateaued, but it’s mainly because I did not do a lot.

8. Meet more people. One thing I’m thankful for this year is the number of people I’ve met. I’ve met people I can have a long term friendship with, and this year, I should work hard to do even more.

9. Be physically fit. I am too thin. I want to grow a bit thicker, and get some abs, hopefully. I’m partially there.

10. Be more thrift. I overspend. There, I said it.

11. Learn a new skill. I might learn how to cook well and not just fry random stuff. Kuya’s graduating, so I need to be a bit more independent in the house. I should learn a new thing or two just to make life interesting.

12. Just have a lot of fun. This year is all about being active and happy!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

It’ll be a good time to contemplate again.

Well, 2011 was not as eventful as I hoped it to be, however, there were a few spikes in the plateau that was this year.

I’m hopeful that 2012 will open up a lot of new things :)

Well I don’t know if the reason I feel what I feel as of late is due to the fact that I’m single.. but here it goes, let me admit it once and for all. I’m envious of all the love activity surrounding me. My friends either fortify their current romances, or find new ones and develop at once, or have too many people to love and have a trouble choosing one because they all have mutual liking for each other.

..and then we have me. The single person, with nothing going on in life. What sucks even more, is that they tell me all their stories.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be in love right now. I want to at least have something to talk about when it comes to love.

People have been asking me, “Why are you still single?” I don’t know. I haven’t found the right one? Or even if I do, apparently I’m not attractive enough, or simply put, I’m not their type. I’m good at picking, but getting picked, no.

And all these happy people tell me the most crushing words: “Dadating din siya (She’ll come soon)” And I just reply usually with “Hopefully” or simply , a smiley face. But deep down, I think “Sure, you can gladly say that because you’re happy. It’s not as simple as it is, <insert swear word here>.

And some people have the nerve to just end their current relationships because they can assure themselves that they can get another one easily. Sure, you’re the attractive ones.

I told myself, I just wanna have fun with the first few, before I finally decide to settle down. But then, I don’t wanna be like them who would treat girlfriends as replaceable things, wherein some people are just for fun, and some are forever. So I’m gonna treasure my first, hopefully it’ll be my last (Yes, I’m old school). But sure, I’ll be realistic, maybe my first won’t be my last. But hell, I’ll treasure every moment.

I’m sure some people will call this bullshit, knowing me. But then again, do you really know me?

-Rod

I just lost all my sense of pride.

I left my friend’s debut early for my part, rode a cab with a stranger, arrived late for my part in the second debut.

Merry Christmas.

Where is my life going? I haven’t felt something that would lead me somewhere as of late. It’s like the past few weeks have been an intermission from my real life.

The most excitement I got as of late was drinking ‘til 4am then going straight to an event, walking in the streets of MoA because the road was closed, going back to QC, sleeping only to wake up to find that I left something valuable back in Taft.

So yeah. Plateau.

I miss the feeling of being in love. There, I said it.

I’ve been having multiple petty crushes for the past months, but I haven’t actually fell head over heels for someone.

I want that feeling where I can’t wait to get out of bed or I don’t wanna sleep because I’m talking to that person. I want that feeling where I know someone wants to hang out with me, and just talk about anything. I want to laugh for no reason and still seem cute to someone. I want that feeling of belongingness, where I know I want someone to be with me for a long-term relationship.

But then again, I’m a coward.

But then again, I’m not physically gifted.

But then again, I haven’t found her.

Today, a cab driver in a matter of 10 minutes accused me of having gay sex with multiple partners. I usually can ride with jokes of that, but to simply accuse me of so many things in a short time span, that was just severe bullshit.

Okay, it’s not the first time I was assumed to be gay. I’ve been teased as such ever since first grade, if I’m not mistaken. Yeah, I’m used to it, but am I cool with it? No. Not at all.

I don’t know. It’s always been a really sensitive spot. Even many of the people I consider close have the nerve to insult me as such. It came to a really low point in my life where I was constantly bullied, and the bully was able to turn tables around by making it seem that I was the bully, by using his ‘OFW mom, dead dad’ story. Really few people were on my side.

I’ve been finding ways to deal with it. Ignoring only made me more vulnerable. Attacking made me seem defensive. Bringing the matter to higher people made me seem chicken, and asking others to back me up made me seem dependent.

Just to set things straight, I know I’m not gay. I just don’t live up to society’s standards of masculine, for some reason.

Until now, I still don’t know how to deal with situations like that. And it pains me everytime someone assumes or insults me about being gay. I’m finding ways to find myself and find ways to deal with stuff.

Ugh, I’m pissed. Again.

But now, I have worse problems. I have school, I have other stuff to do. This is just the least of my problems.